Sent to me by John Fish
think YOU are having a bad day...read on.
Brian is a commercial saturation diver for Global Divers out of Louisiana and
performs underwater repairs on offshore drilling rigs. Below is an e-mail he
sent to his sister. She sent it to Laughline and won the contest (he wasn't
thrilled with her for that one). Anyway, anytime you think you have had a bad
day at the office, remember this guy.
Just another note from your bottom dwelling brother. Last week I had a bad day
at the office. I know you've been feeling down lately at work, so I thought I
would share my dilemma with you to make you realize it's not so bad after all.
Before I can tell you what happened to me, I first must bore you with a few
technicalities of my job.
This time of year the water is quite cool, even with a wetsuit. So what we do to
keep warm is this: We have a diesel powered industrial water heater. This
$20,000 piece of shit sucks the water out of the sea. It heats it to a
delightful temp. It then pumps it down to the diver through a garden hose which
is taped to the air hose. Now this sounds like a damn good plan, and I've used
it several times with no complaints. What I do, when I get to the bottom and
start working, is I take the hose and stuff it down the back of my neck. This
floods my whole suit with warm water. It's like working in a Jacuzzi. Everything
was going well until all of a sudden, my ass started to itch. So, of course, I
scratched it. This only made things worse. Within a few seconds my ass
started to burn. I pulled the hose out from my back, but the damage was done. In
agony I realized what had happened. The hot water machine had sucked up a
jellyfish and pumped it into my suit. This is even worse than the poison ivy you
once had under a cast. Now I had that hose down my back. I don't have any
hair on my back, so the jellyfish couldn't get stuck to my back. My ass crack
was not as fortunate. When I scratched what I thought was an itch, I was
actually grinding the jellyfish into my ass.
I informed the dive supervisor of my dilemma over the communicator. His
instructions were unclear due to the fact that he, along with 5 other divers,
were laughing hysterically. Needless to say, I aborted the dive. It totaled 35
minutes before I could come to the surface for my chamber dry decompression.
I got to the surface wearing nothing but my brass helmet. My suit and gear were
tied to the bell. When I got on board the medic, with tears of laughter running
down his face, handed me a tube of cream and told me to shove it "up my
ass" when I get in the chamber. The cream put the fire out, but I couldn't
shit for two days because my asshole was swollen shut.
Anyway, the next time you have a bad day at the office, think of me. Think about
how much worse your day would be if you were to shove a jellyfish up your ass. I
hope you have no bad days at the office. But if you do, I hope this will
make it more tolerable.
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