Sent to me by Warrior Wanda
The First Affair
There was a middle-aged couple who had two stunningly beautiful teen-aged
daughters. They decided to try one last time for the son they always wanted.
After months of trying, the Wife became pregnant and sure enough, nine months
later delivered a healthy baby boy. The joyful father rushed to the nursery to
see his new son. He took one look and was horrified to see the ugliest
child he had ever seen.
He
went to his wife and said that there was no way that he could be the father of
that child.
"Look
at the two beautiful daughters I fathered."
Then
he gave her a stern look and asked, "Have you been fooling around on
me?"
The
wife just smiled sweetly and said, "Not this time."
The Second
Affair
A mortician was working late one
night. It was his job to examine the dead bodies before they were sent off to be
buried or cremated. As he examined the body of Mr. Schwartz, who was about to be
cremated, he made an amazing discovery: Schwartz had the longest private part he
had ever seen!
"I'm sorry Mr. Schwartz," said the mortician, "But I can't send
you off to be cremated with a tremendously
huge private part like this. It has to be saved for posterity." And
with that the coroner used his tools to remove the dead man's schlong.
The
coroner stuffed his prize into a briefcase and took it home. The first person he
showed was his wife. "I have
something to show you that you won't believe," he said, and opened his
briefcase.
"Oh my God!" she screamed, "Schwartz is dead!"
The Third Affair
A woman was in bed with her lover when she heard her husband opening the front
door. "Hurry!" she said, "stand in the corner." She quickly
rubbed baby oil all over him and then she dusted Him with talcum powder.
"Don't
move until I tell you to," she whispered. "Just pretend you're a
statue."
"What's this, honey?" the husband inquired as he entered the room.
"Oh, it's just a statue," she replied nonchalantly. "The Smiths
bought one for their bedroom. I liked it so much, I got one for us too."
No more was said about the statue, not even later that night when they went to
sleep. Around two in the morning the husband got out of bed, went to the kitchen
and returned a while later with a sandwich and a glass of milk.
"Here," he said to the
'statue', "eat something. I stood like an idiot at the Smiths' for three
days, and nobody offered me as much as a glass of water."
The Fourth Affair
A man walks into a bar one night. He goes up to the bar and asks for a beer.
"Certainly, sir, that'll be 1 cent."
"ONE
CENT!" exclaimed the guy, the barman replied "Yes." So the guy
glances over at the menu, and he asks "Could
I have a nice juicy T-bone steak, with chips, peas, and a fried egg?"
"Certainly sir," replies the bartender, but all that comes to real
money." "How much money?" inquires the guy. "4
cents", he replies. "FOUR cents!" exclaims the guy. "Where's
the Guy who owns this place?" The barman replies, "Upstairs with my
wife."
The guy says, "What's he doing with your wife?"
The
bartender replies, "Same as I'm doing to his business."
The Fifth Affair
Jake was dying. His wife, Becky, was maintaining a candlelight vigil by his
side. She held his fragile hand, tears
running down her face. Her praying roused him from his slumber. He looked up and
his pale lips began to move slightly.
"My
darling Becky," he whispered. "Hush, my love," she said.
"Rest. Shhh, don't talk."
"Becky," he said in his tired voice "I... I have something I must
confess to you."
"There's
nothing to confess," replied the weeping Becky. "Everything's all right, go to sleep."
"No, no. I must die in peace, Becky. I ... I slept with your Sister,
your best friend, her best friend, and your Mother!"
"I know" Becky whispered softly. "That's why I poisoned you"
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